I like my sex mixed with concussions.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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