Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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