you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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