so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
