Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
