I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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