just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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