her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
