Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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