and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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