I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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