They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
