Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
