My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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