last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
