That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
