just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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