if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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