I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
