This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
