margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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