so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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