i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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