i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
