When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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