Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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