somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I had to cum in my sink.
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