i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
