hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
