I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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