Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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