I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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