I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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