walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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