So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
