I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
