She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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