3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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