Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
