Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
