Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
