mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
