oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
