We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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