i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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