...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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