I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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