Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
there is glitter all over my balls
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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