i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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