i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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