I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
