i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
