My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
